I’ve been caught up with experiencing the Goodwill and Peace on earth, not managing to make the time to write about it.

Immanuel did come to earth!  Is with us!  Bringing goodwill and peace to infliltrate the horrors of our world!
Time continues to march on with many large footprints of our Immanuel in the muck of life!  I’ll never catch up in recording it!  SO—   this idea popped into my mind as I lay awake wishing I was asleep, but instead having journaling and catchy phrases playing in my mind.   Why not start with copying over the ‘updates’ I sent out over the last month?  Great Idea!  Could it have been Immanuel’s?   
Be in awe of Immanuel with me as you read!  It is gonna be lengthy so go get a cup of coffee or hot chocolate or…     I’m soooo grateful that Immanuel lets us be on the team and in His game!

Sunday, Dec. 30th, 2007
Hello to all my friends-

I had a call from my brother a short time ago telling me that dear Zachi is now up in heaven with His Creator who loves him dearly!   I’m not sure yet why he had to be down here for 6 plus long pain-filled years, but now is job down here is done and he has entered into rest, peace and joy!     What an amazing reality that will far outweigh these 6 years of torment!   

Simultaneously, the changes in lives down here are also going to be changed forever, yet with a different ‘tone’ than Zachi’s!    The waves of pain, emptiness, longing, and all the emotions that go along with immense grief are going to be crashing in!   If God were not a God of the Resurrection and Redemption- life would be despairingly hopeless! 

Monica has voiced for many months that once Zachi is gone, she does not want to be apart of ‘this’ family.   She is determined to leave Jim.  My heart aches -I was gonna say ‘mostly’ for 5 year old Lucas.   His entire family foundation as he has known it is crumbling!   And yet,  my mind also uses the word ‘mostly’ for each individual and their unique ’slap’ of pain.   Lucas, Monica, Jim, Brooke Adrienne,  Kelsi…   Zachy’s grandmother and uncle and …….   

Not only is Monica planning on divorcing Jim, they are going to need to sell the house they built for Zachi as quickly as possible.   So, there is a memorial service to be planned.  A house to be put on the market, packing, locating new homes to purchase….  amidst all the emotional upheaval!     Incomprehensible!

The date for the memorial is not yet set, so my plans as to when I will be flying to TX are not made.  I do not know how long I will be there to support and help in practical ways.   As these kind of details pull together, I will let you know.

I most surely am asking that you talk with our God on behalf of each individual in Jim’s family.

For Jim’s father’s heart that is overwhelmed with grief, along with the many reprucussions that come along with Zachi’s home-going.
For Monica who has hardly any ground under her to stand on, or friends to walk with her, or relationship with our God with whom to yell, cry, fall apart with, and cling to glimpses of eternal hope…
For Lucas who will now experience the harsh reality of his family and life as he has known it crumble around him.  With the ‘big people’, who are suppose to be there to help him, falling apart themselves.
For Brooke Adrienne, who is on complete bed rest for another 4 weeks until her own little baby girl is born…   I’m certain this will rip at her blossoming ‘mother’s heart’, as well as from the perspective of a sister!   And her hubby, Jonathon, who is deployed over in Afghanistan.
For Kelsi, dear,  who has been having significant emotional upheavals already!  And now more harshness hits her life, when she does not have much ability to regulate emotions. 

And for myself as I attempt to join each of them in intentional ways that can offer them strength as they walk into the very difficult months ahead!   

I appreciate you as friends to whom I can ask for your help through your interaction with our 3-Person, Resurrected God!

Appreciating you-
Mb

(ok-  this entry, not an update I sent out,  reveals more of the reactive ‘me’ rather than the powerful and tender love of Immanuel!      But He is working on me, which in itself is a big task cut out for Him! His fingerprints are evident!    So, you might as well join this part of the journey too. )

Jan. 3rd.  (the night after Zachi’s viewing)
I don’t have adequate words.
I wish I could see with God’s eyes and have compassion for Monica. Instead I feel more of a distance, a coldness from her and towards her.

    She is such a beautiful woman! So pretty. And has such a delightful smile— even while she is voicing falsehoods.
Her beauty, smiles and words depict a very false picture.

    Her cultural Latino kisses are as Judas’ kisses.

    She is like an elegant, velvet glove in which is encased a dagger.

    A glass of enticing wine, doused with cyanide.
Like one portraying herself as an angel of light, while actually being the deliverer of darkness.

    Like one offering life, when in actuality is a death giver.
    Like the ‘white queen’ in the chronicle of Narnia, who is set on deceit, trickery and hateful destruction rather than one who desires to nurture life and truth. 

    Like a white washed sepulcher. A beautiful mausoleum holding decay and dry bones.

    A magnificent art display which is actually a fraud.

Oh God, even I, who knows much of the history and reality behind the closed doors of the gorgeous house, can easily be momentarily blinded by her charismatic manner. I can see how easy it would be for others who Monica interacts with, to come to the conclusion that Jim is mean and angry and a very bad man. My body reacts at how people could believe the ‘flight attendant’ persona and words she uses against Jim.
She said nothing of Jim in her eulogy (!) while she voiced so many flowery statements of gratitude to many others. It was weird to be listening to her words while knowing that what she was voicing does not match reality. I found myself wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt, and thinking of how appropriate it is for her to express her gratitude to the nurses and drs… and yet, how does the last few days fit in with 3 nurses quitting on her/’giving notice’ in one day! It gave me a lump in my gut to recognize that she was able to voice so much ‘niceness’ and gratitude for others, while not able to muster up even generic appreciation to the father of her children!
As I reflect on situations, it appears to me that she has been methodically plotting ways to dispose of Jim and divide ‘her family’ against Jim.

    I purchased gifts and cards for her, Doris (her grandma), and Lucas (their 5 year old son) today. And yet I am not sure what I want to write in them, cuz I am not wanting to be pretentious. I admire Jim so very much for his authenticity, while still honoring her before others! Wow!

So far, I have only voiced purposefully compassionate and kind words to her. Yet, I wonder how much I am living out of fear of her reactions, out of instant reactions to her ‘beautifully sounding words’, my lack of discernment, my own conditioning to ‘be nice’…
What would be a more accurate expression of myself when it comes to the truth.
    To her unwillingness to look at her own life,
    to her lack of love,
    to her judgmentalism,
    her justifications for her own desires rather than care for the impact on her son…

It doesn’t seem appropriate to ‘confront’ her on these things in the midst of the burial of her child and when so many people are around. The times we have been at the house, she keeps herself secluded in her ‘privacy’.  I need You, God, to direct and orchestrate interactions in a way that allows or keeps from interacting with her! 
I recall the verses in Thess.-  Encourage the weak and admonish the unruly and be kind to all  At first glance it would appear she is in the ‘unruly’ category.  And yet I know she is also ‘weak’ and in desperate pain!  Only You are wise enough to lead me to the knowing of which category she is in.  I do know that she fits in with the ‘be kind to all!’

                                                          *******************
Jan. 6th- Sunday     Part of a note I sent to Jackie—

Hi Jackie dear-
Thanks muchly for your note a few days back.  Your words have come to mind off and on, reminding me to attempt to bring beauty, peace and thoughts of God into lives here!!!   I sure am glad for them!

I’m gonna copy over to you some of my journaling so that you can get a bigger ‘flavor’ of my journey here.   
I am so grateful that God is helping along this path, while also giving me chances to ‘dip’ into how others are experiencing this ‘event’ in their lives. 
…I am so very grateful that I have had glimpses into Monica’s life, and have walked the path some with my client who lost her daughter after years of caring for her…   And for my brother’s amazing faithful compassion!   And for people who have jotted me e-mails in which they have sensed God’s deep compassion and ache for Monica!   
It has helped me gravitate back towards hurting for her- and I can be much more pleased with myself when I am in this spot!
I am also grateful (!) that I can be here and join each of the other family members in their struggles thru the situation!   I would hate to have missed the big picture and not know the context out of which they are voicing their anger…!   

                                                            *****************

Date: Fri, 4 Jan 2008 22:03:45 -0800
Subject: hard times in TX

Hello to each of you!

It is Fri. night, not even a week since I initially wrote to you.  Yet it feels like at least 2 weeks have passed!   
I am still uncertain of when I shall return home.   I am aware that my brother probably needs more support now than in the past several days.   I do know that I will be here through Sunday.  After that, I do not know.

It goes without saying that there is much grief here, as is normal and appropriate with the death of a child .   In addition, there are so many other dynamics exploding that I am finding much more difficult than the grief of no longer having Zachi here in TX.   It is certainly more difficult than the month I had with my mom, caring for her till she went on to start life in the next phase of eternity!

Without taking the time and energy to give more details,  I will succinctly summarize the situation here.   The hatefulness and divisiveness occurring within my brother’s family is indescribably horrid and painful!  Monica’ and her relatives have virtually removed themselves from any interaction with Jim, myself, his girls and the relatives that came from S.C.        In the place of compassionately coming together and offering support to each other,  there have been ‘gusts of coldness’,  and outright cruelty coming mostly at Jim.   

I have continued to be surprised with my bothers’ continual and constant responses of kindness and offers of compassion, along with strength in expressing things he disagrees with.   He has refused to ‘fight’ over some things in regards to the funeral arrangements, although he would prefer a different tone to the service.

He voiced to me that he is certain that one of the main reasons for Zachi’s existence and life struggle is to capture his attention in such a way that he would grow into a very different man than he previously has been.   And my, how true this is!   I certainly have a big brother in whom I am very proud and desire to emulate!

Zachi ’s body was cremated today.  Along with this ‘event’ comes a harsh transition into the next phase of Jim’s life.   It will be a very pain-filled one.  For Jim and Lucas!   And for Monica and ‘her people’.    Jim has strength, peace and hope through a strong confidence in our God.   Tragically!,  Monica and her family have the opposite.   In one significant way, they are in need of prayer much more than Jim. 

One specific request I would like for you to bring to our God is for Him to sabotage the plans that seem to have been made by Monica that are vindictive, unjust, and could crush him in virtually every area of his life.  (I sense that our God has such an intimacy going with Jim at this point, that I do not sense his life would be crushed.) 

In the midst of very difficult times,  God has slipped in some real treasures for Jim, myself and others in the family.  I was invited by Brooke Adrienne’s  sonogram this morning. and was able to watch the little girl ’swim and kick’ .  (We got to see her ‘prominent chin, full head of hair, and button nose.  And find out that she in presently weighing in at 7 pounds.)

I have had meaningful interactions with Kelsi amidst fun ‘adventures’.

Time with my 4 relatives from S. Carolina has been rich, supporting, enjoyable and life – giving!   

I am so very grateful!

Many of you have sent e-mail, expressing your care and what you are praying for me and my family. This has been a ‘balm’ for my soul and inspiration to continue in the challenge to love well, in whatever way that might mean.   
Thanks so very much! 

I’ll get back to communicating with you in the near future.  At this point I am literally dozing off as I type, so I’ll say goodnight and bye for now.

Blessings to you from our God, as a favor to me out of my gratitude!
Maribeth

                                                                 ************

Sat. , Jan 5th, 2008

It is now Sat. night. 
I had a very full day, along with not much ‘activity’. 
First thing, I went out with Shirley  (the mom of my nieces and who has welcomed me into her home) and her husband for coffee. We had a very enjoyable talk, along with interacting about my youngest niece who is having a severe struggle with instability in her life.   I was also asked to consider if I would officiate the wedding of one of my nieces step sisters!   It really is amazing to me how we have such a delightful relationship after all the rough times connected with the divorce between my brother and Shirley.

My brother picked me up from the coffee shop and we had most of the day together.  I am very grateful for time with him.  He needed to have a good block of time to talk and process.   And for me,  it was a gift in having him re-stabilize me,  having me settle back into a sense of compassion for Monica.   There has been non stop coldness and rudeness coming at Jim from Monica.   Simultaneously, I have experienced each time the amazement of my brother responding with a compassionate reaction.   He talks of how he has been blessed with much support while she has no one.  (Her family, who have been shutting out Jim and his family, do not have the capacity or ‘know how’ to offer Monica any support.)   Thus,  Monica is isolated in the big house with all it’s reminders of the loss of her son!  No nurses, no cries of Zachi, oxygen tanks being picked up…   Jim talks of how he cannot imagine the void and ache she is going through,  and puts out effort to get some of his Christian friends and their wives to go over and offer care, support or practical help.   Monica sadly interpreted this as Jim pushing people into her life cuz he is ‘un-thoughtful’.   She is in a place of wanting to reject anything that is associated with my brother, including anyone/ anything that could be helpful.  Although I can easily understand where she is coming from, it makes me sad to see her rejecting the love that is offered and needed.   
Being with Jim has resulted in my getting more in touch with my own compassion for her rather than my protective anger and desire to stay away from her. 

Interspersed in our day were times with Kelsi and Brooke Adrienne individually.   It was good for my heart to watch Jim and his daughters have good/ supportive interactions!   
I was able to have a couple hours with Brooke Adrienne talking about developmental ’stuff’ of her baby girl.    (Yesterday I was able to go with her to her dr. appointment and sonogram. What fun!) 

Tomorrow morning I am gonna spend time with Kelsi, Shirley and Kelsi’s step dad, talking about some of her emotional challenges and try to come up with a more focused direction that can help them all.

I am then having time over lunch to meet the couple who are wanting to have me officiate their wedding.

Then I am joining Jim in the afternoon.  He has asked 3 different people who were able to be at his house right after Zachi died to share with him what occurred that night while he was not able to be there.  He is aware of needing this in order to help him with closure.   I’m grateful that they are willing and able to get with him.   And I’m glad that Jim wanted me to be with him for this!   

Although it is not for sure, it is likely that I will fly back home sometime on Monday.   I am finding myself very weary and will take a day at home to get rejuvenated  (aren’t you impressed that it will only take me one day?  smile?)  before I start back into my regular schedule.

I am grateful more than words express for your support.   I have heard from many of you with encouragement, assurance of your prayers, and even specifics of how you are being led by God to pray for me and my family.   Thanks so very much!

Blessings back to you!
Mb

                                                                        ****************************

On Jan 5, 2008, at 11:06 PM, Maribeth Poole wrote:

Hi to all you family and friends!

The verse ‘The joy of the Lord is our strength’ is familiar!   
I’ve been experiencing strengthening joy! For those of you who know me and my fascination with ‘the brain’,  you know that the definition of ‘joy’ by those researching the brain is-   ’Someone is glad to be with me in whatever situation I am walking!’   
The situation here in TX is filled with anguish and traces of all manner of death!   Yet, there is much joy and I am watching each individual in my family gain strength and increasing desire to go forward in a manner that is positive and pressing on towards life!    Not only have I experienced the strengthening joy of being with family, but certainly of our God joyfully orchestrating details and interacting with individuals.   
                                                                     ************************

                                                            **************

Date: Sun, 6 Jan 2008 21:15:04 -0800
Subject: Fw: change of plans…
Hi again to you all-

You know that verse about saying ”I am doing ’such and such” if God
wills.”?   Well, it was my best guess that I was going to be heading
home tomorrow.   
I had told Jim that I would stay as long as I am really
needed.  And it seems our God has been orchestrating situations, events
and emotions in a way that it is good for me to stay through tomorrow.
   
We are over the big initial ‘hump’ in regards to Zachi’s going on to
heaven and the repercussions coming along with this event.   
But there is
another ‘family crisis’ that has been ongoing, and is currently in an
escalated  spot at this point.  My dear niece, Kelsi, has been having a
rough time for years in several ways, and most recently has included some
health issues.   Many dynamics have come together in such a way that all
the family members are willing and desiring me to have some ‘family
counseling time’ tomorrow evening.   I am going to spend much of the day
with Kelsi and then have a ’round table’ in the evening. 

I have voiced to them that it is important for me to be available back
home to teach my class on Wed. night.   SO-  at this point, the new plan
is for me to head home on Tue.   I strongly suspect that this will be a
plan that we follow up on.

As you get this note and if I come to mind,  I would certainly appreciate
your talking with our Father for me and each family member in regards to
each of us pushing ahead towards the fullness of what our God has in
mind.
I do want to also clearly say that I am having good and ‘enjoyable’
things happen in the midst of the stressors!   It was sooooo good to have
time with my aunt, uncle, and cousins from S.C. while they were here for
Zachi’s funeral.    Kelsi and I ‘click’ wonderfully.   Brooke Adrienne
and I have been having great interactions about all she is learning about
the development of her little girl who will soon be born.  Shirley and
John had John’s girls over for lunch to meet me today…   cuz one of
them and her fiancé are wanting me to officiate their wedding this
summer.  J
Jim and I had over 3 hours this afternoon with a remarkable
couple who are in Jim’s life due to one of those ‘ONLY GOD’ could have
brought this about-  which had so many ways that were ‘healing’ and
encouraging and strengthening for Jim as well as this couple and myself.
They also have a special needs child and have walked a very similar path that Jim is on.   

Ok,  I am hoping to get to bed significantly earlier than I have been
able to these past nights.   I hope each of you are doing well and have a
refreshing night’s sleep!

Love and appreciation to all of you!
Maribeth    
                                                            

                                                                       **********

Jan. 9th
Hi to you all.

I arrived back home yesterday evening after being in TX for just over a week.
I pretty much took today off so as to do some of the needed ‘basics’ of life and regroup some, and tomorrow I am going to venture back towards my regular schedule.   

The time I had in TX was one in which life is ‘raw’ and our God interacted phenomenally within each situation.   
I did not have the e-mail addresses of many of you on my laptop, so you did not get the updates I sent out.   I’ll very very briefly summarize-  just to whet your appetite for knowing more of the beautiful, revitalizing and fun ways our God interacted during the very harshness of arenas of death!

Little Zachi is now in heaven!   He has wonderful thick black curly hair, and I imagine our God running His fingers through them fondly.  As well as the ‘little tyke’ running, jumping, playing soccer… with Jesus and so many others, it is soooooo wonderful to know he is no longer suffering as he has been for 6 and half years!

The visitation and funeral revealed a wonderfully surprising number of people who have worked with my brother offering support and care through showing up!   Along with many others.

I was awed and inspired as I tearfully listened to my brother’s eulogy, including how remarkably he honored Monica, his wife.   And his sharing of ways in which his relationship with God has given him strength and hope.  And how God has used the gift of Zachi to change him into a different man from years gone by.

Monica is soooo full of pain turned into rage-  and she is shooting virtually all of it at Jim.   In ways that I would never have imagined possible.   I was able to ‘understand’ it ‘theory- wise-   but initially found myself drifting more towards defensive anger at her.   It has been my brother that helped pull me back to a place of compassion, which leaves me much more satisfied with myself.   

My brother has been able to interact intimately with God in ways that have resulted in his maintaining a very tender and herting heart for his wife.   Monica has virtually burned all bridges in her relationships and is now isolated alone within the big house that was built for Zachi.   
Rather than Jim responding out of a ’sense’ that she has made this bed and now she has to lie in it/  or she is getting what she deserves…   He is very concerned for her deep pain and loneliness.   He has put out much effort to find people to go to the house and offer compassion and help-  to reveal the love of God since she is rejecting any kindness that comes from him or anyone associated with him.   

Even the night before I left, Jim responded to Monica in a way that ‘had my mouth drop’.   Monica exploded with her irrational venom for a rather lengthy period of time and Jim quietly sat and allowed her to without any of the ‘obvious defensives’ he could have used.  Later he voiced to me that while he was ‘being chewed up and spit out’ he had a thought come to mind that had to be from God.   God was giving him the gift of being able to show his girls how to respond to such rage!    Gulp!

I was able to go with my eldest niece to her sonogram and watch the ‘little’ girl move and kick and poke…  Brooke Adrienne.   She and I had some wonderfully fun interactions regarding the baby’s development and how to create an emotional environment for the little girl.

My dear younger niece, Kelsi, is struggling immensely!   I am so very grateful that I was able to be with her when she had melt downs and explosions,  able to better sense what her brain is doing as I observed.  She and I had some wonderful interactions and our relationship is growing closer and closer.  (She even told her mom and sister that I am the coolest person on the face of the planet!  Can’t get any better than that!  smile! )   During this week she became willing to go see a medical dr.-  and it is rather certain that she is struggling with irritable bowel syndrome and likely an ulcer.  The tests should be coming back soon.
She also got to the place where she was willing/ wanting to get out of an abusive living environment.  Her dad, a friend of his and myself quickly packed her up and literally were driving out of the parking lot when the violent housemate arrived. There were some very ugly words being exchanged,  but kelsi left unharmed!   Only God could have orchestrated the timing!

(She also has sent home with me her kitten-  a bengal kitten!- for a few months while she gets back up on her feet!  Talk about a beautiful cat!  I will enjoy her for awhile (the dogs aren’t though at this point)  and then I hope to give her back in just a very few months!)

I was able to have very quality time with my brother’s first wife and her husband while staying at their home.  That too was good for me to be able to observe family dynamics.   I stayed one extra day, mostly ‘hanging out’ with Kelsi…   but then facilitating a ‘family counseling’ time.  My brother joined Kelsi, Brooke Adrienne, Shirley (first wife) and her husband, John.   We were able to look briefly at how each person is ‘contributing’ to the ‘Kelsi challenges’, along with getting negatively impacted by the family dynamics.   This time went so much better than what I had envisioned, so that it was obvious that it was a God- thing!    We ended up with some better understandings, deeper care for each other, and some concrete ideas as to how to go ahead.   

My times with Lucas were very enjoyable.   It was obvious at times with how deep the repercussions are in his little life from the pain and suffering of Zachi,  the tensions between mom and dad …    I am sad for him along with very very grateful he has the dad he has and the design our God wove in him.

The time with my aunt, uncle and cousins was very enjoyable as well as stabilizing!   I am more than grateful to and for them!

I was not able to have any time with Monica.   sigh.   And yet,  I am so grateful that during my time there I was able to gravitate back towards a compassion and tenderness towards her!   It is a wonder to know and sense how much our God aches for her and wants to enfold her in His tender love!

There is much more I could write-  but instead I will send this off with my immense gratitude for your supportive relationships,  your prayer,  your words of encouragement through e-mails and phone calls and cards…

I do ask that our Father tailor many blessings to each of you as a favor to me and out of His great love for you!

Mb

                                                                                *************************
1-22-08 (prayer request from my brother)

Hello to all,

This is a simple request for prayer for my wife, Monica.

This morning, early, Monica left on a 3 leg flight to St. Lucia in the Caribbean. 7 years ago, while on vacation there, we learned Monica was pregnant with her first, Zachi. Today she carries an urn with Zachi’s earthly remains. She will leave them in the ocean there. It is something she said she promised Zachi and was very important for her to do. Obviously, I am not with her on this trip.

Please pray that God will work in her heart with an overpowering message, one that cannot be ignored or denied, but one of our Zachi "remaining"        today with our Lord, more alive and perfect than we can ever imagine, and that this trip would be one of not just goodbyes, but more of new comprehensions, directions and beginnings!

Then, envision this with me. (First it is important to know that my Dad went to be with the Lord in "95, about 3 years after Monica and I had come together. I can only imagine how fervently he must have prayed for me, as did Mom for so many years before she also went to be with the Lord)

Now envision my Dad and Mom standing beside our Lord Jesus, laughing, rejoicing and watching my brother David chase our little Zachi on streets of Gold, and saying:

"Yes Jesus, what an awesome plan that was! You DID chase Jim through YOUR gift of little Zachi, and his 6 and a half years on earth, and you caught him and brought him back!
Blessed Be Your Name! NOW, keep chasing his Mom!"

…

A short time later I received a call from Jim.

With Monica gone and his having to go to work and fly for 2 days,  Lucas is going to be staying with his grandma, Doris.  This opened up a conversation talking about how difficult things are,how Monica is doing… and how he is doing.  He was able to explain to her how come he is doing as well as He is.  His daily relationship with God!   He then had the privilege of helping his mother- in law- accept Jesus’ gift and become a part of our eternal family!   How remarkable is that!   There’s a party going on in heaven!

There’s more to write…  Like an entry entitled ‘GOD"S TATTOO.   Hopefully I’ll get around to writing it in the near future! 

Merry Christmas?

It was the best of time!  It was the worst of time!

Both LOVE and RAGE burst onto the world scene.

Ecstacy and Anguish.

Goodwill to men intertwined with violent hatred.

Bethlehem

was the spot of the eruption.

Messiah, the Giver of Life vs.   The Enemy of our souls. 

Power wrapped in innocence and vulnerability vs.  Sinister deceitful and destructive power.

The Prince of Peace vs.  The destructor of peace.

Christ the Savior is born. Satan and Herod are threatened.   

Yes, Life came into the world.

And Herod defensively slaughtered infants.

The angels sang.   And the parents screamed in agony.

Yes, the battle between goodness and evil had been raging for hundreds of years, but now there seems to be a cataclysmic explosion as never before in history!   

The Light has come to illuminate darkness and threatens to expose evil. 

The kingdom of this world has been invaded by the

kingdom

of

God

. 

Yet we declare ‘Merry Christmas’.  Merry?

We enjoy the fantasy and romantiscm.  I am grateful for the expressions of love and generosity.  A reflection of the heart of God, the Giver of all good gifts!

And yet, do we take the time to include recognition of the ramifications of this disturbing lack of ‘world peace’?

As I reflected, a heaviness settled on me.  I felt myself sink into an old familiar melancholy.  I heard my inner voice criticizing me according to past accusations, “You are too introspective.  Stop being such a downer, a ‘party pooper’ during this festive season.

But the mood would not lift.   I restlessly got up and busied myself with tasks needed to be done. I paced through the living room and bedroom making a pretense of tidying.  I nibbled on chips and chocolate covered coffee beans.  My mind was not focused on my ruminations, yet they drove me to distraction and towards despair. 

World peace?  Joy to the world?  A merry Christmas? 

All around me is turmoil intertwined with the goodness in people.  Loneliness. Stress.  Depression.  Death and dying. Anger.  Unrest. Suicide. Mental illness. Shame. Jealousy. Fear. Hopelessness. Powerlessness.  Insecurity. Disrespect.

Gangs. Rapes. Lying. Stealing. Betrayal. Genocide. Terrorists. Evil.

Unemployment. Homelessness. Accidents. Divorce. Illness. Incest.

Earthquakes.  Floods. Fires. Famines.

Am I being too dramatic?  No! It is even worse than this.  Within each word are lives destroyed.  Thousands upon thousands of hearts that are ravaged. Grieving beyond comprehension.

Where is the peace?  Joy?

As I shuffled back to the kitchen a calming thought traced through my mind. It could only have come from Immanuel.  The Savior is born.  The Savior is risen.  Alive and well.  It is not over till the trumpet sounds.  And all will be made right!

Yes, joy is come.  The Divine conspiracy. A mystery. Better than mythology. God invading the darkness and evil.  God encasing Himself in a human frame. Bringing peace on earth.   The One who is able to give hope.  The One who is the Truth regarding the harsh realities of this world. The One who is able to blend justice and mercy.  The One who encased Himself in evil and was punished so forgiveness can be offered.  The One who has the ability to bring good out of evil.

The One who continues to infiltrate the enemies’ camp by again encasing Himself within the human flesh that He created.   The Spirit who is willing to live within us, with all our evil and brokenness.  The Spirit who is willing to guide and teach and empower and comfort us as we tread this world of death.  The Life Giver pursuing us forever with goodness and mercy.  Everlasting love that is refreshed every morning.

As the hymn writer expressed, “…God is not dead nor doth He sleep.  The wrong shall fail.  The Right prevail.  With peace on earth.  Good will to men.”

(a couple verses are not coming to mind,  but here is what I remember of the song…)

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

I heard the bells on Christmas Day,

Their ole’ familiar carols play

Then loud and sweet the words repeat

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head.

There is no peace on earth, I said.

For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of  peace on earth, goodwill to men.

Then pealed the bells more loud and sweet.

God is not dead nor doth He sleep.

The wrong shall fail.  The right prevail

With peace on earth,  goodwill to men. 

I don’t know about you,  but I admit it.  As a child (and even at times in the present)  I have doubted that God is really able to keep track of ‘little ole’ me’.  There are too many people in the world!  I mean, really-  just considering one street in Pasadena.  How can He know each person I pass, with all the details of their past, current and future histories?  I can’t even keep up with my own history or the life stories of all my clients!

Last Sat. my friend, Jackie, and I went to San Diego. She brought along ‘Betsy’ (am I remembering her name, Jackie?) -  the GPS that her husband, John, got for her.  ‘She’ was a fabulous companion to bring along as we went to see the Dead Sea Scrolls Exhibit.
‘She’ kept track of every turn I made, my speed, how long it would take to get to our destination and each wrong turn I made.  As I ‘got it wrong’, ’she’ voiced "Recalculating", and then steared me back into the way I should go. ‘She’ looked up the Starbucks in the vicinity and took us on a pleasant detour. What a remarkable ‘woman’.    

But it gets better! As I was commenting on how remarkable that ’she’ could keep up with every movement and guide me,  my eyes scanned the inumerable cars with us on the freeway.  Every car that has a ‘Betsy’ is connected with the same guiding system!  Personalized to each individual.  Guiding each one in the best way on their specfic journey.  Not flustered when mistakes and wrong turns are made.  Able to easily ‘forgive’ and pick right up again in getting the person back on track. 
Given,  not everyone has a ‘Betsy’,  but she is available to all.  And ’she’  would not be overwhelmed with passing on guidance to all.  ‘Her’ view is way above ours and ‘her’ ways way beyond our understanding. ‘She’ knows of the accidents up ahead or dead ends or needed detours due to construction underway.

Now, if ‘Betsy’ can do all this-  how much more our God!

• Simultaneously knowing each person
• Knowing all details of the journeys
• Not distracted by keeping up with someone else
• Clearly offering guidance with a trustwrothy voice "This is the way.  Go ye in it.’
• Not rendered powerless by our mistakes
• Able to get us back on the ‘way we should go’
• Available to all in a personal way

I’m reassured, as well as impressed!  What a remarkable God to have along on my life journey!

Jesus is the head of the body.   
This body of his sure is doing poorly at times.   And if the ’smallest member’ hurts, the entire body is affected. 

We, the members, so often do poorly at caring for other parts of our body.  There is more ‘dis-unity’ than unity in the lives of most people I care deeply for.   Anger, gossip, defensiveness, betrayal, fear, dishonesty, criticism, dissension. 

Along with a headache,  Jesus must have an upset stomach and heart distress!

A few days back, my friend Jason blogged about the work place/ ministry he has been at for  several years.  He wrote of the unity, the friendship, the support…

That is probably the best acid relief and aspirin Jesus could ever have!

I’ve been all over the emotional map today.

Started out with an enjoyable chat with Elias, the ‘construction guy turned friend’ over the last several years.  He came early to kindly help me haul 5 (!) overloaded trash bins to the street.  His crew are presently re-painting my house.  He often goes the extra mile just to be helpful to me.  I’m so grateful God brings good people into my life!

And then a call from Kelsi.  My youngest neice.  I’ve been intentionally attempting to build a relationship with her over the last several years,  and it has been slowly emerging.  Especially beginning around May of this year. when I was with my mom for the last month of her life on this side of heaven.  Kelsi and I had some extra time together,  which developed a meaningful bond.   I’ll copy over what I wrote tonight to my brother and you’ll get an inside glimpse of what this call meant to me….
   "Kelsi was the high light of my day  (yes, even though
getting a working phone is wonderful!).  she called this morning to let me know
that she had created me my space page and wanted to get me hooked up and running
with it….   to be able to keep up with her, her friends, picts…  and others
in the family.   And she made my password to be ‘number 1 aunt‘  (spelled
differently, but I don’t recall it off the top of my head.)   Now isn’t that
enough to make an aunt sing"

Now I am not one to want to spend more time on the computer, spending time and effort and energy in an activity that steals away my time and I feel inept with this technical ‘monster’…   But to build on the relationship with Kelsi?   Absolutely!

I then took Joyeuse to Starbucks for our last Tue. morning together.  (A venti latte is always enjoyable!) Hard to grasp that 3 months has passed since she moved in with me!  Every Tue. morning was ‘our’ time… and our relationship has developed wonderfully!  And now time of her living with me is coming to an end.  Her YWAM leaders have asked her to go to Michigan and put in a month of training before she heads back to Africa.  She leaves Sunday!   Emotions surface cuz I am impacted deeply by ‘goodbyes’ and disconnects.    Too much of a pattern in my life as a missionary child!

I then had clients not show—  frustration!

And I had an ‘argument of sorts’ with a former contractor from several years back.  His workers backed their truck into my car and had it ‘repaired’.   A week or so ago, I had a neighbor (auto body repair guy) look at something totally unrelated.  He brought to my attention that some very ’shady’ repair work had been done.  I, not inclined to go looking under the hood or study details on cars, had not discovered that parts were not replaced but ‘banged back into shape’ and held in place by ‘plastic ties’ that I use to hold up my plants!  And other stuff.    SIGH!    I had hoped to never interact with Jacob again.  He was rude, tried to do shoddy work and get by with it,  angry at me for having my friend Elias check out his work-  telling me I had no right to since my contract was not with Elias!   And he made a comment about I not knowing what I was talking about since I am a woman!
He right away started in with protests in taking time out of his schedule to see my car…  and upset when I said he could not interupt me during a counseling session….    SIGH!   I just don’t like to have to ‘fight’ every tiny step of the way through an interaction!  Again I get to practice being firm and express myself clearly while trying to be polite to someone I just do not like!

The AT&T tech (Darly) came…  and I happily have a working phone!!!   It’s been since July 23rd!  I sure hope this phase of technical difficulties is over!    He went the extra mile for me too.   Since the new AT&T modem was installed over a week ago-  I have had horrid connection on the internet on the computer in my office!   E-mails won’t be sent from my ‘work’ address,  and this is a problem!    And the tv has not worked since cable was installed.  (I didn’t want to have cable since I watch so little-  but it is fee for a month so I gave in to the sales person cuz I just wasn’t wanting to fight that battle more.) 
When I voiced my frustrations with the internet and tv, including how the previous tech had not returned my phone calls,  he voluntarily put in a call to his supervisor for me!   I think I might even get these problems addressed!    And I have a phone again!!!!    I am grateful!

Then Joyeuse and I got to be excited together regarding a conversation she had that was likely gonna be filled with conflict.  But instead, only God could have brought this to pass, she had a remarkable wonderful interaction.   Yep- a true God-sighting!

And then came my last client of the day.   She just got back from an impromptu trip to the Toronto Vineyard.  She wanted  desperately to recieve more powerful healing.  Can’t say I blame her.  She is a survivor of ritual abuse and child porn …  and is constantly being attacked in the spiritual world by demonic forces!   
Through out the session I was asking God for discernment and His gentle way of speaking to her… when I was inwardly reacting with cynism and unsettledness.   How to join her in her excitement as well as be able to express my concerns.
Intense emotional experiences are such a ‘draw’ for people who are familiar with intense emotions from trauma.  The mind seems to believe that for something to be ‘real and valid’ , it must be ‘intense’.   
Thus, a search for the ‘emotional’ and power-filled ‘healings’ becomes the quest.   But what about seeking connection with God more than the ‘feelings’ he might give?   or what about character change?  or  learning  how to find internal  peace and calm with God?       Oh, I could go on and on about this topic!
I’ll switch my focus back to my interaction with the dear lady.  From my perspective, we connected well.  A good blend of excitement, concern, and prayerful desire for discernment.  And a longing for intimacy with God.

But it is late and I must take this tired body to bed.  That wonderfully comfortable bed God provided for me!

(No proof reading tonight!  So hopefully my spelling etc isn’t too excrutiating to be waded through.)

 

I am privileged. Honored. I have stated in the
past, and am aware of it now, that one of the best gifts God has given me
is to be able to ‘work’ with the population of people who are ‘DID’.  Those who have ‘Multiple Personalities.’

 

My brain malfunctions in ways that keep me from being able
to sense and experientially KNOW Jesus the way I want. For now, Jesus has let me in on a ‘side line’
approach where I get to learn of the true character of our God! He is so delightfully kind, gentle,
powerful, creative, fun, playful, and sorrowful, with an intense hatred for
that which harms those He loves.

 

I had a lady here this week, along with her husband, and we
put in over 16 hours together. She has
been tormented since infancy due to having a pedophile as a dad. Raped on an ongoing basis and introduced to
the demonic world since in the crib. 

The path ahead will still be rough and the process towards
healing may still be longer than either of us want. The impact of evil is far
reaching! Yet- God is alive and well and
lovingly interactive!

 

I know to many the ‘intrigue’ of a divided mind captures the
focus. Yet, I so want people to be able
to look past the ‘fascination’ with dissociation with great awe and wonder and
gratitude at who our God truly is!

 

As the poem says, ‘Children Become What They Experience’. At first it was through the evil and now it
is through the awesomeness of God.  Here are a few snapshots.

The ‘inside dad’ began as a ‘replica’ of the outside one,
and yet with such little prodding, was discovered to be a ‘young hurt child’. He was scared, trying to scare the other
inside children into line in an attempt to keep them from further harm. And he was attached to a demonic. As our interaction continued, he invited
Jesus to come close and help. Jesus ‘trained
his hands for war’. He was given
lessons in weaponry. Starting with
playfulness and growing into an ability to use his sword and bow and
arrow. Jesus’ arms were around him,
guiding the arrow, as the now experienced ‘inside big brother’ took aim, pulled
the string and sent the arrow towards the demonic entity. ‘Poof!’ Into a wisp of smoke he dissolved! Oh what fun! ‘Big brother’ has
been given the name of Faithful by the True Big Brother, Jesus!

 

And there is Cherished One, who was first recognized as the
4 year old. What a brave ‘protector’ she
is. She was determined to keep hold of
a demonic so as to keep it from harming the ‘inside baby’. So much a reflection of our Jesus. Taking sin into his own body so as to keep us
from enduring the horrors of death. The
four year old was understandably terrified of having Jesus come close, a man who might do something that could result
in harm to the baby.  He very kindly
came ‘just close enough’ for interaction. We also were able to ask questions of Him through the ‘children playing
with Jesus in the safe woods.’ Jesus
was very willing to take care of the demonic without allowing any harm to Cherished One
or the infant! How wonderful to hear how He had had his eye on her since the
beginning. He was thrilled when Cherished One ran into His open arms. 

 

And there is the 13
year old. Feelings of being sucked up into
the dad, unable to breathe and  shattered
by the demonic molestation! Her life and
very existence seemed to be at stake. And yet, breaking curses,  Jesus
tenderly gave her back her breath, her life, her existence. In Him she now lives and moves and has her being.  Jesus is committed to continue bringing the
needed healing. 

……

What a remarkable God, who lets me be in His family. Lets me be in His kingdom. Let’s me be on His team in bringing life to
others. 

Hating evil with a passion while tenderly caring for the
wounded. 

Merciful to those who have been drawn into the ways of the
evil one.

Kindly giving instruction and training.

Allowing freedom of choice even when it comes at a cost of
personal pain to Himself.

Powerfully destroying curses and demonics. Healing. Bringing joy and laughter. Tenderly and quietly nurturing. 

 

Oh, what a God I serve!

I am lying here on a new bed that was delivered today.   I went mattress shopping on Sat. to replace the mattress I bought several years back for $40. Mattress shopping reminds me of ‘church shopping’ , never finding the ‘perfect fit’   A friend told me of this place that has adjustable beds and I decided to check it out.  Wow!  Lying on that bed was literally the first time in years that I can recall lying on a bed without back pain!   So-  although it was more than I wanted to spend,  it was a natural purchase!

I started into an overly busy week today and was aware of a deep- to- the- bone tiredness as my last session was coming to an end.  I am looking forward to a better than usual night’s sleep.
But I am wanting to be part of creation that cheers for the greatness and goodness of our God!

In my first session Jesus interacted with encouragement that only He can give.  While listening to God,  my client- a professional musician-  exclaimed ‘God is so smart!’   He had been discouraged about how ‘far behind’ he is from his personal goals for his age. He would love to be able to play for a philharmonic orchestra!   He had just commented on how his resume is bleak in comparison to many other artist’s when  Jesus took him into an eternal ‘bird’s eye’ view.  Some resumes listed accomplishments of 20 – 30 years …  and Jesus had added to the end of the title ‘on earth’.  Jesus ‘voiced’ in response to his concern that there would be soooo many pianist in heaven that he still would not get to play much, "’The problem will be in how much energy you have to keep on playing more than a lack of remarkable performances available.  Your playing will consist of locations much more extensive than this planet. Your resume will include zillions of ‘years’ of playing with heavenly philharmonic orchestras!"
Also, in a different part of our time together,  my client was feeling guilty regarding not keeping up with  his tithe and told of a ‘ministry’s’ admonition, using the Micah passage.  Jesus explained that "these people are rich but pretending to be poor so as to manipulate you to give more."  This concept is so far removed from my guilt-ridden client that it could only be God!  It would not have been accepted if I had been the one voicing anything like this.  It could only be God!

My second client experienced Jesus break a long standing curse that had been passed down to her from her Satanic cult family.  He proved again that all powers were rendered null and void through being nailed to the cross with Him- as is stated in Colossians)

My 3rd client arrived from out of state and we put in 3 hours together.  She has many personalities due to the horrors inflicted on her by her father.   Several of them were able to experience Jesus as being powerful as well as being safe!

My next client is amazed at the growth in her life – to the point that she is now in a growing relationship, when much of her life she has struggled in knowing how to relate well and often avoids relationships.   Now this is no little thing and God must be given much credit!

My last client of the day came to powerfully recognize that all the years of severe abuse has not destroyed her passion and ability to love!  Another survivor of ritual abuse has experienced that ALL hell has not prevailed! 

After 9 intense hours of counseling I came into the house, smelling of a wonderful African cooked meal! I am so grateful for you, Joyeuse.)  I had a refreshing bath and now am lying in a remarkably comfortable bed.

God did a great day’s work of extending His loving kindness,  wouldn’t you agree?

Which direction is my communication going?  Towards appropriate boldness or being less tolerant and kind?

The past three months have pushed me into levels of frustration that I rarely get to.  Thanks to Vonage and Charter.  I’ve been at the mercy of the 2 companies with neither offering much mercy!  Since I signed up with Vonage I have virtually had no land line and at times no internet service.  Vonage blames Charter and Charter blames Vonage.  I’ve been on the phone for HOURS talking with techs in India and various places around the US, having to repeat my story over and over and over… Ending up with no land line service at all.  And rather than saving money, having cell phone bills over $200!    Way too many twists, turns and emotions in the story to go into at this point!

Near the beginning there was still  an intriguing challenge in my interactions to be kind and courteous while angry.   Then just hearing the mechanical voice telling me the ‘wait time’ would result in the tightening of my chest due to the frustration lying ahead of me.  I could feel that I had already lost the battle of keeping my voice tone one with kindness.  I began my conversations with an apology.  " Hello Elaine (or whomever).  I know that you are not the cause of my problem and that you are here to help me.  ll attempt to not be bitchy, but you will be hearing the frustration in my voice…"    As the days and weeks progressed my voice tone carried more of my irritation and less ‘apology’. 

The AT&T man, DuWay,  (yep, that is the name)  came as I was finishing up a call that literally had me frustrated to the point of tears.  "Yes, I’ll listen to your sales pitch, but I want you to know that you have come on a bad day for phone and internet service!  I am going to be quite cynical to what you promise."
DuWay started out with the promise of $100 if I would switch over to them. My 3 month nightmare only fueled his grand promises of what his company could do for me!    Out of my desperation to throw out the first 2 companies and have this 3rd company do the "fighting’ on my behalf,  I chose to sign up.  As he was filling out the paper work he voiced that ‘they would have to buy back my number from Vonage so would take it out of the $100 given to me."
Well, that triggered my cynicism into words!   "DuWay,  you have just proved my point.  As I told you at the beginning, I knew that what you told me would have loop holes.  You promised $100 and now you are taking part of it back.  You companies are all the same.  Manipulative in getting people to sign up!"
Quite taken aback, he defensively tried to persuade me that he was not taking back the ‘gift’ but just gonna use some of it.   Without much thought I picked up a nearby book and handed it to him.
"Let’s say I am giving you this book as a gift".  Then I snatched it out of his hands saying,"’But let me first rip out the first 3 chapters.  Now am I really giving you a good gift of a book?  NO!    And you are NOT giving me $100!!"   
DuWay’s attempts to justify his position and his inability to ‘do it different’ did no good.  He gingerly said he could see what I meant and changed the topic.   
I told him that due to the position I am in and my need for phone service I would go ahead and accept what they offer.  But it was not due to his lack of manipulation!
So, I signed on the dotted line and he left.  I sighed with both relief and frustration.  Hopefully this Thursday I will be back in the land of modern conveniences and landlines.

This nightmare has pushed me often into self reflection.
I have had people tell me that it is ‘about time’ that I not let people walk on me and tell people what is what.  I’ve been accused of being ‘too nice’.  There is truth in these accusations.  I’ve a tendency to ‘be nice’ in my attempts to avoid conflict and keep people liking me. 
Simultaneously, I value kindness and courtesy.

So, is my ‘boldness’ due to a lack of fear of conflict?  Am I becoming less fearful of other’s reactions?   Or am I shifting into a place of uncaring about my impact on others due to my frustrations?
Motivations of the heart certainly are comlex and complicated!

I received a card this week from a special friend.  Along with the beautiful flower on the front came the following quote by Henri Nouwen.  Henri is currently in heaven with His (and my) God who began and finished a fantastic ‘work’ -in helping him grow into the remarkable man he is!  Reading his books and autobiography has been an inspiration to me through the years-  ‘prodding me to love and good works’, which might include silence and suffering with others. 

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our life means the most to us, we
often find that it is that person who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or
cures, has chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and
tender hand…

…The friend who can be
silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an
hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not
healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who
cares.

                                                                                          - Henri Nouwen

It is not uncommon for us people, even when interacting out of a desire to be helpful and offer support, to  give quick solutions when not asked for.  We don’t necessarily even find out what they have or haven’t tried yet… or if the advice fit’s them.
It may be uncomfortable for us to enter into the full emotional impact that the person is going through (their anger, fears, despair, frustrations etc.) so we quickly offer a solution in hopes it will ‘fix’ the person or the situation. 
To enter into their world might just take us into an awareness of our own powerlessness, or the impossibility to change something gone wrong in our world.

Our quick responses might give us a way to minimize our discomfort or give us a ‘way out’ of entering into their difficult world. 

I have more growing in this area of character development (!), but I hope that my friend sent me this card cuz she has experienced times when I have done well in joining her on her very difficult journey that promises no quick resolutions or clear explanations for all that continues to come her way!

There are aspects of what Henri has written that resonate with what I am amazed at in regards to the Incarnate Jesus.  He sure didn’t have to,  but  was/is willing to enter our  world and experienced in every respect what we endure, and thus is able to sympathize with us in our journeys.
What an example to strive for!

This entry is lengthy and more wordy than I wish.  But if you choose to read it, you are getting in on my  unedited processing and the inner responses that include interactions from our God.

In our home church Thur. evening we had a time fo entering into a passage together.  Actually, it is one of my favorite methods to enter into scripture and experience our God in rich ways that I often miss.

Each of us had drawn a slip of paper with a character on it that we were to try to put ourselves into and then share how we experienced the event.  The event was when the lady who had been bleeding for years touched Jesus’ robe and was  healed.  How enjoyable to hear how the others experienced being ‘the woman’, a disciple, and even Jesus!

But I, along with Mark, was the ‘one in the crowd that was not healed’.

Ouch!  I’m certain that God orchestated the ’slip’ I chose!  It is a theme I have been wrestling with since childhood.

What about me?  I want to be special enough to be notieced.  To be chosen. To be loved.

Not like when I came to believe that I was a ‘no big deal’ since mom and dad’s priority was to help the Africans get to know Jesus and I was to be sent to boarding school.  The Nigerians mattered at my expense.  Not like at boarding school when I was overlooked in the bigness of the group of students, seemingly insignificant to the dorm parents or teachers.  A ‘no big deal’.

Or like the numerous times I went to the Vineyard conferences in hopes that I would experience ‘the touch of the Holy Spirit’… only to have others all around me caught up in some form of ‘the touch of God’ while I stood alone.

Or when others have the ability to settle into quietness and be aware of God’s interactive presence,  while my mind goes into ‘chattering’.

I consistently seem to be ‘the one not chosen’, left with my deep longings unfulfilled.  Untouched.  Un-chosen.

It is too much of a theme in my life to be co-incidental.   My soul knows that my Eternal Father is about something in this.  Or maybe I could say,  I know that the enemy of my soul is intentionally about something– but my Father is not unaware or uncaring.

A normal conclusion a child would come to is that ‘I really must not be important’.  Yet as we grow up, we hopefully come to understand that there is much more to the picture.  I may not have the capacity to know the bigger dynamics happening behind the scenes;  the motivations of God’s actions or choices to not act.  But it remains true that He is a God whose lovingkindness never wavers.  His heart always acts for the best interest of those who love Him. 

There were many whom Jesus’ path on earth intersected with who were not healed, were not delivered from demonic torture, were not raised from the dead…   And yet the heart of God’s indescribable love is incomprehensibly evident in His intentional choice to be slaughtered as the True Sacrificial Lamb, providing a way for all to be a part of His eternal family!

Yet I am left with the profound disappointment and frustration of living with my handicap of not having all that was ideally meant to be from before the creation of the world.

I could be focused on the symptoms of fibromyalgia, that have me dragging like a wet dishrag at times. Or my deteriorating discs in my back. But that is not what brings the tears as I interact with my God.  It is the results to my soul and my mind of growing up in the dismissive attachment pattern of those who were responsible for ‘raising’ me.  The symptoms that are familiar to those who are the ‘failure to thrive’ children.   The deep subcortical reactions that keep me from bonding with God and others as I so deeply desire to do.

—–A leapord cannot change it’s spots, and I am powerless to bring the changes to my soul.  If they are to occur, it is up to the miraculous work of God!    What is to be my response?

My mind gratefully goes to my friend Jackie.  In one of our many interactions, she expressed her inner settledness with God’s choices in her life.  That if He had a purpose of bringing about change in someone’s life through her even living with dementia or completely dependant on others in her last days on earth, then His ways are good. She would be given the gift of participating in that eternal activity of God! (Father, I sure hope this is not what You have in mind!)

My mind goes to my dear nephew, Zachi, who has lived his 6 years of life severely handicapped and suffering daily.  I am certain that his eternal part in God’s kingdom is something that no one else would have been able to do.  He seems to be a gift that has ‘revealed the hearts’ of individuals.  My brother recently voiced how Zachi’s life has been the catalyst that has brought him to a place of intentionality in creating an enviroment in which his other son, Lucas, can grow up getting to know the heart of God.

God’s ways are certainly incomprehensible in His ability to use the affects of living in this trauma filled world in redemptive ways!     May my heart develop in humility before His wisdom and eternal love that I can gratefuly worship Him regardless of the types of suffering I live with on this side of eternity!