DUE TO CONFIDENTIALITY ISSUES,  I DECIDED TO DELETE THE BEGINNING OF THIS BLOG.   BUT BELOW IS MY PROCESSING DUE TO AN INTERACTION WITH A CLIENT…

I am grateful that I do not live out of such toment, confusion and disorientation!

And yet, to what degree do I live out of a place of fear? I can talk the talk of God’s great unconditional love. Yet lurking within are my doubts as to how He is disappointed in me. And that ‘low grade fever’ of belief that He does not love me as much as others- or He would prove it by (my list could be lengthy). I have a soul-infection that leads me towards some degree of death.

I do not live with the overwhelming certainty that NOTHING can seperate me from His love. That if He was willing to give up His own life in ways that my mind has not begun to truly grasp, that He is willing to give me all I need for life and godliness.

That if I am unable to keep somone from misunderstanding me and taking something personally- that I am not diminished in His enjoyment of me.

That if I do not have the energy to clean my house, fix healthy meals, write more blogs… that He still is very pleased to be with me.

That if my mind is too tired to concentrate on important tasks I want to get done, He is not less delighted in me.

If I make mistakes in figuring out finances, He is not looking at me with disdain for ‘being irresponsible’.

If I am unable to get my mind to ‘be still and know that He is God’, that He is still a God who claims me as His friend.

So I continue in my feeble attempts to live well. I do get a few more things accomplished than I would if I didn’t care how I am recieved in relationships, including His.

And yet, in the big scheme of things- I am still living ’substandard’. I am disappointed in myself, so ‘of course He is too’. He knows even better than I do of my screw-ups.

Oh God, it will be in your love that I am refreshed. It will be in an increased awareness of your delight in me that I will experience strengthening joy. It will be in your joy over me that I will experience your ‘wind beneath my wings’. It will be as I come to you that I will find rest.

The process may be slower and less dramatic, but the change more integrated into my being. More substantial. Move life giving.

Please, Lord, have mercy. Help me to break through the inner ‘walls’ I have up – to enter into your love. To know the heights, depths, length and breadth of your love.